Seeing Mental Illness
Imagine we can ‘see’ Mental Illness
We sometimes struggle with understanding mental illness. Perhaps because it is invisible, in that people with it can look so normal most the time. Yet, we do so much better at understanding and showing compassion for physical illnesses and disabilities, like when someone is in a wheelchair: we express compassion and/or ask how we can support. Rarely do we get angry or yell at them. Yet when others do things that may be a mental illness, we may respond just that way.
What if we think of those with mental illness as being in a 'wheelchair.' Would we yell at them if they do not get up and walk? Would we even be angry? Of course not. But if their mental illness means they do things on the list below, often we do get upset, angry, and/or make repeated attempts to change them, as if our wishing it will get them up our of their 'wheelchair.'
Symptoms of Severe Mental Illnesses
Before reading this list, remember that while everyone may do some of these things some of the time, in a person with a mental illness can do a lot of these things a lot of the time. And the hallmark is they do not permanently change despite all your attempts to get them to do so.
They may bail out on plans with you at the last minute.
They may become upset in a split second over what seems a minor thing.
They may overreact, or appear 'too sensitive.'
They may have very strong emotions.
They may talk about past upsetting events.
They may have rigid routines they insist others follow.
They may want to be left alone.
They may not apologize for their behaviors.
They may blame their behaviors on someone else.
They may admit and apologize, but they keep doing it.
They may have aggressive outbursts – that occur in a split second - over what seems, from your point of view, to be a minor thing.
They may violate your boundaries.
They may hear what you say very different than what you actually said.
They may tell everyone what you tell them, even when you ask to keep it private.
They may say things that hurt you, even after you ask them repeatedly to stop.
They may negatively interfere in your other relationships.
They may act like they are more important than others, or than everyone.
They may try to get you to constantly tell them how wonderful they are.
They may disregard your feelings.
They may take advantage of you.
They may want you to admire them lots.
If you attempt to point out these behaviors, they may respond in a way that makes you feel like you are the actual problem.
They may abuse alcohol, drugs, pets, or people.
They may steal from you.
They may be very manipulative.
They may be envious of others in a hurtful, negative manner.
They may violate rules or social norms.
They may push you away often, or cling to you, or vacillate between the two.
They may threaten to abandon you if you don’t do what they say.
They may use silence as a weapon.
They may be impulsive – to their own or your detriment.
They may feel entitled to your things, time, attention, money, etc.
They may threaten to hurt themselves if you do not do what they want.
They may struggle to relate to others, or have any sense of close connection.
They may not be able to be emotionally available to you, or anyone.
They may not show remorse for things they have done.
They may be very charming and enticing to be around.
They may be very rude and not seem to care.
They may not care about your or others’ safety.
They may not respond to consequences for their behaviors.
They may be aggressive.
They may lie.
They may be irresponsible.
They may selfishly and without remorse use others to provide their needs.
They may seem to have a need to create drama or other forms of stimulation.
What if I know someone who does this?
If you have a close friend or family member with a lot of these traits, you can request they stop the behaviors, or get counseling.
If you have made these attempts without any impact, you can start to notice what skills they lack, and start visualizing them as their 'wheelchair' or a skill they do not have, and you can change how you interact with them in order to protect yourself from feeling crazy, or even from being hurt.
How Do I Protect Myself From These Behaviors?
If you can get to the point of accepting their lack of skills, then YOU have to change if you wish to continue contact with them. For example, if they do not honor your request to not tell everyone your business, then you need to only tell them what you want everyone to know. If they never repay you, you need to stop lending them money rather than get angry when they don't repay you again. You need to watch our for you and not expect them to be different because you want them to. Just like with a wheelchair, we can wish it was not there, but that does not change it. We must move out of their way.
What if I Do Some of These?
As I said, all of us will do some of these some of the time, based on different situations. If we are doing some of these, and do our best to either not do them, or fix it when we have done them, then it is probably not a problem. If we realize we are doing some of them too much, we may need to change that behavior. If is is not that easy to change, we may need to do some counseling for support to change. .
What Else Can You Do?
If your loved one has a mental illness, you can read up on it to learn more about what to expect and how to be supportive. You can join support groups for family members of mental illness. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers support for families. Finding others who are going through what you are is always helpful. If having family members like this whose behaviors are negatively affecting you, you can also get counseling to get help.