Healthy Conflict Management Skills

Whenever you have more than 1 person involved, it is natural to have a disagreement. People are different and have different opinions, thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. Rarely are they going to always agree. They also have different histories, thus respond differently to the same events.  

To resolve these disagreements, there are numerous methods people use. But are any of these ways more beneficial to both parties, and/or their relationship?  

WHAT OPTIONS WORKS BEST?

Various options are shown below, along with the Benefits and Consequences of each. These options show, and most people agree, that the healthy option is addressing the person who offended you directly, immediately, and privately, benefits each party as well as the relationship between them. And if all parties involved know these healthy conflict management skills, and all parties are looking to resolve the issue peacefully, the discussion usually does go well and the resolution is usually found. 

Let’s look at the possible benefits and consequences of several options. For these examples, let’s use the names of Thoughtless and Upset  (tacky maybe, but the below options can get a bit complicated and my hope is these names will help your understanding). In these scenarios, let's imagine that one day Thoughtless says something that Upset finds offensive.

Soon after the incident, in private, Upset tells Thoughtless that their words upset them, and maybe why. Thoughtless listens, maybe explains their side, apologizes, and agrees to change their wording when talking with Upset.

Benefits:

Thoughtless is given the opportunity right after it happened to ask questions so they can fully understand the issue.

The discussion between Thoughtless and Upset will often involve each sharing more about themselves, thus deepening their understanding of each other and their relationship.

When Thoughtless apologizes, and Upset forgives, they both know the other cares about them and the relationship. Also, the issue is resolved and should not arise again.

If this entire encounter is kept between just Thoughtless and Upset, it builds their trust in one another.  

When the whole encounter goes well, Upset feels good about standing up for self and Thoughtless feels good about apologizing and changing so as to not hurt Upset, thus it builds the self esteem of both.

Consequences:

If both parties have these communication skills, I can only think of positives from this option.

Upset does nothing.  

Benefits:

Upset avoids the risk of a possible negative encounter with Thoughtless.

Consequences:

Upset never gets to find out that Thoughtless may not have meant to be offensive and wants to change for the sake of the relationship.

Thoughtless and Upset never learn more about each other or that the relationship between them is important to each other.

Thoughtless loses the chance to apologize, Upset loses the change to forgive, the issue remains unresolved.  

The chance for trust building between them is lost.

They both lose out on the opportunity to build their self esteem

Since Thoughtless was not informed that Upset found those words offensive, Thoughtless will probably continue to offend Upset, who may start to build inner annoyance, which may build to resentment or even rage. This can come out in a total blow out of anger, or in little ways by Upset starting to treat Thoughtless less positively. If Thoughtless also declines to confront Upset about these things, the relationship will probably continue to erode with both blaming the other for it rather than looking at or taking the opportunity they have to make it better. They may both continue to decrease how they feel about their own self esteem and social skills.

Upset tells one or many friends about what Thoughtless did with no intention of resolving the issues, but just to complain about Thoughtless.

Benefits:   

Upset avoids a possible negative encounter with Thoughtless.

Upset may get to temporarily feel he is ‘right’ if these others join with Upset in berating Thoughtless.

Consequences:   

Upset never learns healthy conflict management skills.

Thoughtless never learns to be more careful with their words.

Upset and Thoughtless lose out on the opportunity to build trust and their relationship.

The self esteem of everyone involved suffers.

Those of Upset’s friends who are okay talking about others behind their backs may start to talk behind Upset’s back about Upset’s poor social skills.  

Others of Upset’s friends who are not okay with talking about others behind their backs may start to avoid Upset, realizing that if Upset talks about others behind their backs thus Upset will probably do this to them one day.

Upset goes to a 3rd Party who tells Upset to address it with Thoughtless first, and if there is no resolution to come back.  (This can happen at work where the 3rd Party is a Supervisor.)

Benefits:

All of the benefits listed under Option A plus:

Upset learns that should it ever arise that they accidentally offend someone, this 3rd Party/Supervisor will give Upset the benefit of being allowed to address it privately with that person before the 3rd Party/Supervisor gets involved.  

Because of the 3rd Party/Supervisor’s guidance, Upset is then confident that addressing it with Thoughtless is the right thing to do, and Upset gets the added confidence that if it goes poorly with Thoughtless, that the 3rd Party/Supervisor will assist.  

Consequences:

If all parties have these communication skills, I can think of no consequences this option.

Should things not work out and Upset returns to the 3rd Party/Supervisor, the best scenario will be all 3 of them meeting together with 3rd Party/Supervisor then teaching Option A. 

Upset goes to a 3rd party who addresses it alone with Thoughtless, asking for change, without informing Thoughtless who got offended. 

Benefits:

Upset avoids the possible risk of a negative encounter with Thoughtless.

Consequences:

if some time has passed since the encounter before the 3rd Party addresses this, Thoughtless might forget or even doubt the accusations. Thoughtless may feel they are being unjustly accused or asked to change for no reason.  

Thoughtless and Upset both never find out the other cares and wants a better relationship.

Thoughtless never gets to apologize, Upset never gets to forgive, and the issue never really gets resolved.  

They both lost out on an opportunity to build trust between them.  

Thoughtless may start questioning and doubting themselves in their encounters with everyone. 

 
Thoughtless may start to feel like others are talking about them behind their back -- because, well, they are.  

Should Thoughtless feel distrust around how this issue was handled, this distrust may generalize to everyone.

Since Thoughtless does not know who they hurt, Thoughtless must now treat everyone differently, possibly making Thoughtless feel something is inherently wrong with the way they are, possibly damaging Thoughtless’s sense of self-worth.  

Upset may feel feel less confident in their ability to handle their interpersonal problems, knowing they required a third party to get involved.

If this persists, with Upset talking to a 3rd Party about Thoughtless, who is not there to defend self, over time Upset and the 3rd Party may start to add on other derogatory opinions about Thoughtless, possibly lowering their feelings about Thoughtless. This can also start to lower their opinions about each other, or themselves, for talking about another behind their back.

Even if Upset and the 3rd Party are not saying more derogatory things about Thoughtless, Thoughtless may start to think that they are.  

 But what if you are practicing Healthy Conflict Management Skills, and the other person does not participate like you wanted, but you want or need to have this relationship?

Do you need to have a discussion with them about their goals in the relationship?

Do you need to have a discussion with them about your frustrations in this area?

Do they need to be taught conflict management skills?

Are they benefiting by upsetting you?

Are they holding a grudge against you from something else that needs to be addressed first?

Do they have deeper issues and need to do some self-exploration about why they do or say what they do?

Would individual counseling help them?

Would a counseling session with both of you be helpful?

TRIGGERS

If they, or we, have a history of unhealthy confrontations with others, one of us may get “triggered” in the current discussion, and start talking about, or emotionally reacting to, a past event. This becomes clear when what is said is discussed at an emotional level considerably out of line with the current event, or if what is said just doesn’t make sense. If this is the case, the current issue does not get resolved, but usually comes up again and again. At the point either party gets triggered, either party should call a time out and walk away, tabling the discussion for later. Once both parties are calm, and both are able to clearly state what they want from the other in the future, try again.

If either party gets triggered over and over. and rather than pausing, the discussion continues, the current issue never gets resolved but the relationship is slowly getting eroded. Both parties need to figure out what is getting triggered, and how to keep the discussion on the current subject and discussed in a calm manner. If this is not possible, one or both parties may need to see a counselor to resolve this, or the relationship will continue to erode until it ends.

WHAT IF I DON'T WANT, BUT MUST HAVE  A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON

If we are forced - by work or other circumstances - to be in a relationship with someone who does not cooperate with any of our healthy attempts to resolve disagreements, other options must be considered. 

Have I really tried to do Healthy Conflict Management Skills with them?

Should I try again?

Are my own issues also preventing healthy resolution?

Can I accept this person and/or their behavior and still manage whatever I must do?

Have I done my best to set healthy boundaries? Are they firm, fair, friendly? Once I have set the boundaries with them, do I enforce them consistently?

Is there a supervisor or third party who might be helpful?

Do I need to talk to Human Resources or a lawyer?

Do I need to reconsider this job or other circumstance that brings me into encounters with this person?

Do I need to get counseling to get support and help in managing this relationship?

WHAT IF IT'S ME?

If we are the one who always finds that in a disagreement we always need to 'win' or be 'right', or we are told we don’t listen when others try to talk to us, or we find we cannot admit fault, or cannot or will not apologize, or keep feeling like we are reliving past events when we try to talk about current issues, we may need to do some exploration on our own, or in counseling, about what interferes with our ability to peacefully resolve things with people we care about.